A Question for my Republican Friends

Why do you support candidates and a party that supports this discrimination?  I know many Republicans who seem to have zero personal issues with gays and who have been personally supportive of my relationships; yet they give their votes and dollars to a political party that fights to deprive us of equality.  I am forced to conclude that they have made a calculation that the equality of their gay friends is less important to them than other issues.  Imagine if the shoe were on the other foot.  I can't imagine any of my straight friends remaining friends with me if I supported others who worked to to deny them equal rights and who devalued their relationships.

Common Phrases in Dating through the Years

1970s:  "What's your sign?"
1980s:  "How much do you make?"
1990s:  "Can I message you?"
2000s   "Sup?"

Washington Post Muddles Story on Gray Campaign and Public Housing List

The Washington Post broke a story yesterday that the campaign of Mayor Vince Gray had a database containing the names and address of residents of DC public housing:

The database, part of a cache of documents The Washington Post obtained from former campaign workers, includes residents’ names, addresses and telephone numbers. One of the documents designated “team captains” responsible for reaching out to tenants in specific housing complexes.

Oooh!  Team Captains.  Shame.

I'm not saying the Gray campaign is innocent of any the skullduggery it's being accused of lately.  But this story, written by Nikita Stewart and Mike DeBonis is sloppily written in a way that makes it sound like a common campaign practice of keeping lists of people that you plan to contact is in and of itself sleazy.  Why, they not only have list (excuse me, "database"), they actually have people ("team captains!") who actually go and talk with them.   Don't you realize that sort of thing could get more people involved in the political process.

Okay, so, DeBonis' article does say that the information "appears to be an unauthorized use of private government information."  But the vague way it is written leaves open the possibility that the Gray campaign obtained the data through legitimate means and the piece reads more like insinuation against a legitimate campaign practice and less a piece of good journalism.   Campaigns buy data all the time.  There are multiple businesses here in Washington (and elsewhere) whose sole purpose is to sell it to them.  Even if the data of "public housing residents" wasn't a list available commercially, I could create one by matching a list of DC residents against a list of addresses of DC public housing apartment complexes.

This point is so muddled by the original article that DuBonis has to go into the comments posted below the article and clarify:

The list, to the best we have been able to determine, appears to have been generated internally at the Housing Authority. It included names, addresses and phone numbers for residents, as well as the names of the associated public housing complexes. Both DCHA and Gray campaign officials, during the several weeks of reporting that went into this story, were given the opportunity to explain how the information was obtained or could have been obtained through legitimate means. Neither party did so. 

If the Gray campaign somehow obtained the list directly from the DC Housing Authority that is a horse of a different color.  Why DeBonis and his editors found it necessary to omit this specific information in the body of the article isn't clear.  By painting with such a broad brush they tarnish what is a perfectly acceptable (and laudable) campaign practice -- reaching out directly to the voters.

And that requires a database.  Not to mention "Team Captains."

For Aurora

Here is a recording (audio only) of Frank Ticheli's American Elegy.  It was composed to honor the victims and survivors of the Columbine Colorado shooting.  It seems appropriate today.  From the program note:

An American Elegy by Frank Ticheli is, above all, an expression of hope. It was composed in memory of those who lost their lives at Columbine High School on April 20, 1999, and to honor the survivors. It is offered as a tribute to their great strength and courage in the face of a terrible tragedy. Frank Ticheli hopes the work can also serve as one reminder of how fragile and precious life is and how intimately connected we all are as human beings.

Its a gorgeous piece, worth the time, especially today.

Zoo the Day

“I’m bored.”

My seven-year-old son spoke the words every parent of a young child dreads.  And while they may have sounded like a mere statement, it’s really a command:  “Entertain me.  Now!”  And a complaint:  that “entertainment” you gave me to do already?  Lame!

Wanting to be a good Dad and not merely sit my son in front of the TV for another episode of SpongeBob Squarepants (“the adventures of a relentlessly optimistic sponge who lives under the sea” according to the TV guide – really if I had come up with that concept look where I’d be now.  Although I suspect the best I could do would be the adventures of a manic-depressive spatula who lives under the sink). 

Wanting to meet his boredom head on, I decided to do something active that didn’t involve toggle switches and waving white hand-held devices at the TV screen.

I decided to take him to the National Zoo.

Perfect!  Kids love the zoo! I could picture it:  we’d have an ideal father-son day, bonding over our fascination for the animals before heading home, possessing new life-long memories to cherish.

One challenge: we would have to get there.

In theory you’re taking the kids somewhere they want to go and where they will have fun. But they will make your life a miserable hell every step of the way while getting there.

Whoever said the point wasn’t the destination but the journey never travelled with a seven-year-old.

It’s not so much the physical journey.  It’s the psychological warfare along the way.

As a Dad without a car, this makes getting from Point A to Point B a constant battle.  Even when Point A is a smallish apartment and Point B is a place filled with lions and tigers and bears. 

Oh, sigh.

Although claiming to be bored to tears, he didn’t want to budge.  So I used the best motivational technique I could pull out of my father-of-the-year bag of tricks.  I bribed him.  I promised him ice cream.

So off we went on our quest.  Me looking forward to seeing furry critters and son looking forward to frozen cuisine.

But first we had to get there.  The National Zoo is a mere five miles from my apartment, by Metro – D.C.’s subway system –just nine stops.  The Metro station is a two block walk from my front door.  Yet for all the protesting you could have thought I asked him to walk the 2,175 mile Appalachian Trail with 70 pounds strapped onto his back in winter through five feet of snow.

And he didn’t endure the trip in silence.  The whole time I endured a steady barrage of withering complaints thinly disguised as questions.  Why do we have to take the Metro?  How long do we have to wait?  Is it always this slow (admittedly these are questions Washington commuters ask everyday).  Why do we have to change trains?  How come this is not our train?  How far do we have to walk?  Can’t we take a bus?

But the most frustrating is the game of slinky.  I ask him to walk with me.  He does, for a few seconds, then falls behind.  I ask him to keep up.  And this repeats.  I try walking slower, to let him set the pace.  He simply slows until we come to a dead stop.  And then he gets impatient with me.  “Go on!” he says, like I’m the one holding things up.

Eventually we reach the zoo.  I resist the temptation to kiss the ground. Finally, let the fun begin!  First, buy him the promised hot dog and ice cream.  How hard could that be?  The answer:  hard, of course.

The next challenges began when  I realized I didn’t have much cash on hand.   No problem, I knew the zoo had an ATM.

It was broken.

No problem, the cafes take credit cards.

Except, as I soon learned, the ones that do don’t have ice cream or hamburgers or hot dogs on the menu.  Those items you have to buy from one of the cart vendors.  Who only take cash.

Really, National Zoo, do you have to make it so hard for a Dad to buy his son a simple hot dog lunch with ice cream?  It doesn’t need to be as difficult at breeding pandas.

A helpful zoo lady told me I could walk out of the zoo and go to a nearby 7-11 which had an ATM.  But leaving the Zoo after just enduring the Bataan Death March to get there wasn’t happening.

I did manage to scrape up some loose change and a few stray dollars to buy one hot dog which the kid declared awful and wouldn’t finish.  Meanwhile a swarm of bees attacked his Sprite ruining what little chance of having a fun lunch remained.

By this time it was around 1 p.m.   We hadn’t seen any animals yet (having spent most of our time getting there and trying to figure out how to buy a hot dog and ice cream) and I learned that the zoo was closing at 2 p.m. for a special event (“Brew at the Zoo,” where the zoo is selling beer to help pay for all the exhibits that aren’t open). 

The day might have been lost but for the lions.  Oh, the lions.  I love the big cats at the National Zoo.  There is something about the combination of their grace and power that I find captivating. I’m off to the big cat compound each time I visit like a mouse to cheese.

And thankfully the cats didn’t disappoint this time.  The lions were out, getting fed and feeling feisty. They fought over the raw meat and bones of what I hope was a leg of beef and not the remains whiny tourists who complained about having to pay cash for crappy hot dogs. 

The cats were the extent of our safari, though (unless you count the bees).  No interest in the pandas.  And the petting Zoo was closing.  So, ice cream-less we left.  Thankfully I was able to make good (kind of) on my promise as there is a Fro Yo place across the street from the zoo.  And they take credit cards.  And we at least got to see bears – the gummy bears he put on top of his cup of yogurt.

Finally, we returned home.  Getting there was easier, either from his being full or worn out from the morning battle.

Once home he happily began playing Legos.

“Dad?” he soon asked me.

“Yes?” I answered, thinking he would reward my efforts of the day with a nice comment like saying what a great time he had, or by thanking me for the hard-earned frozen yogurt.

“Dad,” he said.  “I’m bored!”

To Sail Beyond the Sunset

“For my purpose holds
To sail beyond the sunset, and the baths
Of all the western stars, until I die.”

In the past year plus change, I’ve lost my father, ended a 24-year relationship, lost my job, endured a confounding series of medical issues with my eyes that has threatened my vision, and went through a nasty breakup with a new boyfriend.

There are a lot of items on the positive side of the ledger, but if I’ve ever endured more loss within such a short time span before in my life I’ve forgotten it.

Funny thing about loss.  It tears open holes, but it can also lead to new frontiers.

Today I set sail on board the cruise ship Freedom of the Seas.  I am in the company with my son, my mother, my sister and her family.  I can’t think of a better way to recover and reset.

I’ve put together some new plans that include moving to Seattle in the New Year where my son and his moms live, to start a new career there.   Both the promises and challenges of the new beginning excite and scare me.

But the scariest journey is within.  For the first time in my life I am truly alone.  That indeed is a new frontier.

And so, I embark. Here at the mid-point of my life I leave familiar, comfortable shores for the unknown.  I hope, as Tennyson says, “some work of noble note may yet be done.” 

Middle-aged I may be, but I am not without hope that somewhere out there is a better world and that I can gain a foothold on its fairer shores.

The Boy on the Metro

The first thing I noticed about the boy on the Metro was his insistence on saying "hi" to other riders.  "Sir! Sir! Sir!" he would say until the passerby snapped out of his personal fog to notice.

The boy (young man, really) was wearing a Washington Nationals polo shirt.  A passenger who sat next to him asked (after being enticed to say "hi" back) if he worked for the team.  The boy said he did as he asked the man to untangle his ear phone cord from his mp3 player. The boy appeared mentally challenged, although I'm not sure that's the right term anymore.  He began rocking back and forth in his seat.   But the most persistent  thing about him was the way he would demand a greeting from riders walking by when they got on the train.

At first this was odd.  But less odd as I watched.  Soon, it was the way in which everyone walking by worked so hard at ignoring the boy that seemed the strange thing.  As if saying a simple "hello" would violate their carefully guarded fortress of privacy.

I work hard to guard my own personal space.  It's a matter of self-preservation in a city that bombards you with constant loud and annoying grabs for attention. I can't (or won't) stop to give every homeless person my loose change, listen to every sidewalk appeal to save the planet or focus on frequent Metro announcements that the trains aren't working again or that we should ask people if "that's your bag."  Usually I'm shielded in a tightly-wound cocoon of my own anxieties designed to keep my worries in and other people out.

Like a friendly young man who just wants to offer a hello.

I'll continue to keep my shields up against the multitude who demand my attention because they want something from me.  But the boy on the Metro taught me that I need to make an exception for those who only want to offer a little dash of friendliness to my day.  

The Closet Corrupts, Absolutely

A Republican Mayor in Mississippi is the latest GOP anti-gay politician to get caught being gay himself. While preaching his family values he was apparently using public funds to buy gay porn in Canada.

The typical reaction of many in the gay community is to want to see him burn with the maximum amount of scorn and laughter heaped on his hypocritical head. Witness some of the comments on this Joe.My.God post.

I understand the emotion to pillory the guy. I just can't take part in the lynching. As despicable as his behavior seems to be, he too, is a victim.

This doesn't mean that I approve or justify the actions of those public officials in the closet who take anti-gay positions (or make anti-gay jokes, or tease, humiliate or even beat up gays when in school as part of their closet smokescreen - it's all part of the same pattern). It's wrong, it's hurtful, it's hypocritical, and on and on. I can condemn these behaviors but I can't bring myself to hate or gleefully mock those found cowering inside the closet. Instead, it's more productive to turn my scorn and anger toward the homophobia and hate that makes the closet seem necessary in the first place.

Let's remember what happens in the closet. The closet isn't a passive place where you go to hide and merely wait, a harbor protecting you while you lie calmly at anchor as the storm rages around you. No, the closet forces you to lie and deceive willfully and at times aggressively, to those closest to you and oftentimes to yourself. It is not a place where one finds courage or virtue. It's also a place that many (most?) of us who are gay, at least my generation and older, have chosen to reside for a time. It's a loathsome place, but memories of my time in the closet makes it difficult for me to loathe those still languishing within its narrow confines. The closet creates many victims and a pattern of self-destructive personal behavior that, if carried too far in life, will catch up with you. The Mayor is the latest example. Recent public life is full of other examples of smoldering wrecked public reputations.

I don't believe any one should hide in the closet. Coming out is the firmer moral choice and I have great respect for any gay man or woman who has done so, especially at the risk of losing the love and esteem of family, friends and colleagues. But having faced that choice myself and blinked I can understand it when someone else does. Count me opposed to any public official (closeted gay or not) who takes anti-gay actions. Just don't expect me to cheer when the closet finally crushes the unfortunate who sought its illusory safety in world still full of callous homophobia.

Time to Say Goodbye?

Dying from cancer gives you time to say goodbye.

I've heard this said, and it's true that my Dad's death from cancer was no surprise. Like a well=predicted hurricane we knew it was coming and knew it would sweep him away.

But during my Dad's illness we weren't saying goodbye. We were too busy fighting.

I don't know what it is like for other cancer patients. For us, there was always hope that each day might be a good one, that there might be some sign that Dad would get a little longer, that he might make it to his 50th wedding anniversary with Mom. When it became clear that wouldn't happen, each day we hoped for a sign he would make it to the family vacation we moved up to make sure he would be able to go. And then it became clear he would be too sick to travel. But with each setback and dashed hope came another one, another milestone we hoped to reach. Perhaps we were foolish but I think hope is the last thing to go.

And so each day became a battle, against the pain, against the despair, against the gathering weakness. It became harder and harder for him to eat and so we fought for every calorie. When pain and fatigue seemed to be all that was left we fought for even fleeting moments of connection, conversation, closeness.

Even the last time I saw him conscious and I knew it was probably the final goodbye, I couldn't see it that way -- I still thought there was more time, however little time that might be. I was wrong. Dad's last words to me in the kitchen that morning I left three weeks before he died were the last words he would say to me in person.

But even then I refused to see it that way. As much time -- two years -- as we had to "get ready," death was still a shock, a crushing finality that can't be understood in the abstract. It's the actual absence that makes "goodbye" a reality.

No matter how one loses a loved one, whether from sudden death or lingering illness, it's the time we have together and hat we do with life that matters. No one is ready for that final "goodbye."

Need a Good Sammaritan? Only the Non-Accented Need Apply

A pilot gets himself stuck in the lavatory midflight and a passenger "with a thick foreign accent" comes to his aid by (at the stuck Captain's request) alerting the rest of the cockpit crew.

Hilarity -- and F-16 Fighter Jets -- ensue as the crew suspects a terror plot.

Enjoy the Friendly Skies this upcoming Thanksgiving Season.

Gay Republican Official Comes Out in Texas

And apparently he's lost the support of at least one endorser who's worried about gay cooties.

More Cain

Several commentators and bloggers, notably this one, are making the argument that the women accusing Cain should be allowed to speak so we will know if Cain is guilty.

Really, even if the women come forward how will we know? Ultimately isn't it Cain's word against one other persons? While mounting reports certainly make Cain look like he's less than innocent, unless there are pictures or videos or incontrovertible eyewitnesses who saw more than Cain and a female employee leaving an event together, what are we left with except two people with two differing accounts of events 15 years old? Accounts that are being told in the glare and circus of presidential campaign?

Look -- I'm not trying to defend Cain here. Sexual harassment is serious stuff. I just doubt the public's ability to make a factually grounded determination of guilt or innocence based on what we know and what we might know if the NRA lifts the so-called gag order. Determining what really happened will certainly be much harder than those who so breezily assume that all we have to do is lift the gag order and then we will instantly know exactly what happened between Cain and his accusers. Maybe we will. More likely we won't.

Besides, we don't need to know if Cain is guilty to determine whether or not he is fit to be President. We already know that.

In God We Trust

Because we sure as hell can't trust Congress.

Politico Should Report the Facts on Cain but isn't Able

I often get the impression the political media is mostly an echo chamber that reports on what it tells itself. It will break a story and then create a narrative for the story to maximize conflict and drama independent of what's really happening.

A story in Politico on the Herman Cain scandal is a case-in-point.

Let's take a look at some of the statements in today's story, "Herman Cain's Sexual Misconduct Allegations: Damage Control Marked By Inconsistencies."

From the lede:

"Herman Cain's presidential campaign enters Tuesday facing a full-blown political crisis."

Full blown? How? He's pulling out of primaries? Donors are jumping ship? Staff are quitting in droves and issuing news releases? Mark Block announces it's a bad week for him to quit sniffing glue? Are we reporting here or editorializing? Politico may think it's a "full-blown" political crisis -- but are any outside the media saying this? If so, report that. But don't make it up.

"Cain and his spokesperson have offered a shifting and inconclusive series of responses."

Note the plural. Later, the article says "But by the end of the day, Cain reversed himself on many of the essential facts of the case."

It's true, Cain did initially say he wasn't aware of a settlement and then later reversed himself. While this is not a minor flip-flop, it is one. Not "many." If there's more than that, the Politico story didn't report it. It just stated it without evidence.

I'm not saying Cain has done a great job managing this media crisis (and that's where the crisis seems to be isolated now, in the media). But this Politico story does a lousy job reporting it, by not citing facts or third-party sources to back up its hyperbole.

It also would have been helpful had Politico bothered to report what HR experts and employment attorneys have to say about how business handles allegations of sexual harassment, where "settlements" don't automatically mean a determination of guilt. But I don't think comprehensive coverage was Politico's goal here.

And finally my favorite part of the story:

"Republican super strategist Karl Rove..."

Super Strategist? What? Faster than a speeding pundit? More powerful than a local elected official? Able to leap tall bromides in a single soundbite?

Just another day of creative writing at Politico.

Why are they Burning the Gays?

First Scotland, now Texas.

We like Michelle Better than Barack. Why is This News?

So, Michelle Obama is more popular than the president. And her favorables are higher among Democrats than Republicans. This is news, Politico?

Why wouldn't she be more popular? She doesn't make controversial decisions, she doesn't have campaign promises to break of fulfill and she can play the role of loving mother and spouse in the public eye as much as she wants to.

Seriously, all the First Ladies in recent times (with the possible exception of Nancy Reagan) have at one time or another been more popular than their husbands. It would be news if they weren't.

Of course Michelle Obama is more popular than her husband -- we'd expect that unless she were caught slipping arsenic into the chocolate bars she handed out to the kids at Halloween at the White House.

If only the media would stop treating fake news as the real thing. Then, for the first time in my adult lifetime, would I be proud of my newspaper.

Bad Day at Work?

At least you didn't misplace a satellite.

World According to Trump

If Lincoln, in his first Inaugural address, instead of appealing to "the better angels of our nature," had only said "Get back in the Union, Mother Fuckers," we could have avoided that whole nasty Civil War thing.

Libya -- The First Act

Well, good news from Libya today. But, just as you can't judge the outcome of a theatrical play by its first act, you can't judge the success (or failure) of a military action by the completion of its first phase.

After all, if we were to judge the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan by the completion of their first acts (the fall of Saddam, the ouster of the Taliban) they would be viewed as rousing successes. But no, it was the mess of problems that came in the Act II to follow that we're now trying to resolve in the never-ending Act Three that forms the basis of how we view these conflicts.

Obama can claim a good First Act in Libya. What follows will be much more difficult to navigate. I'll see how well (or not) he does that before passing judgment on the soundness of his decisions to jump to the rebels' defense.

But I will note one remarkable thing that I think is under-appreciated. On Friday, U.S., English and French patrols over Libya were joined by planes from Qatar and the UAE. There aren't many of them and apparently they won't take part in combat operations. But last year who could have predicted that the West would be joined by the East to oppose the actions of an Arab leader? This is, possibly, a shift from the West vs. East narrative of the Bush years and a real transformative moment. If so, this is one hell of a first act.

Farewell, Old Friend

Buster was with us since June of 1997 and left us today, nearly 14 years old.

He was a small puppy abandoned to the animal shelter in Jacksonville, Florida, where we were living at the time (we were living in Jacksonville, not the animal shelter). He was the second dog we adopted from there. The first left us two years ago. With Buster's death, it feels our last connection to our former home there has been severed.

Buster was a very easily intimidated puppy, and when I would come home from work he would run through the house and in his excitement pee the whole way. He would leave a spaghetti trail of urine on the carpet tracing his path. To help him get over this, the vet told me I needed to be less intimidating when I came home at night. She advised me to get down on my hands and knees and crawl into the house, like a dog, so I'd be closer to his level. I did this and it worked. What the neighbors thought of this I'll never know. Or want to.

Buster was a great trail dog and we spent many hours with him in the Shenandoah, hiking. He loved the water and would splash or swim across streams. The other dog, Ranger, who feared the water (we would have to carry her across) would then bark and scold him on the other side. He didn't care. He was a happy-go-lucky dog who didn't seem to let anything worry him, except food. He was the ultimate food hound and as age and arthritis withered him, that never changed.

When he began to slow down about seven years ago on walks we at first thought he was lazy. Then one night he just collapsed and refused to continue. The vet told us he had serious arthritis in his hind legs, back and tail. We were devastated that we hadn't seen the clues and caught this earlier, although nothing could have been done. Except medicate him. So, for the past seven years, Pfizer has helped him live a relatively pain-free life, although his mobility deteriorated gradually.

But I'll try to remember him as the puppy dashing through the house, leaving a loopy trail of pee. Or the dog who, in his eagerness to get to shore, jumped out of the row boat, thinking he'd land on ground underneath the waves, only to sink. I'll never forget the look of great surprise on his face, right before he disappeared under the water (to re-emerge again, swimming. He was a good swimmer).

A dog's life is too brief. All too brief.

Farewell, friend. If dogs do go to heaven, I hope you are chewing on lots of bones, leaving a trail of pee through God's living room and swimming with abandon.