More Life as an Introvert

UPDATE: My friend and I were able to get together Sunday afternoon. All is well. thanks for the support.

Someone found my blog today by doing a search on The Google for "Gay Introvert."

That's me. As you all know.

The defining characteristic of an introvert is that they need time alone to recharge. I have been at that point for several days now.

I'm proud of the fact that I parented a three-year-old all by myself from last Friday through Wednesday. Other than putting him with the babysitting service at the gym for an hour here or an hour there, I was on. He and I had a great time, but it was still draining (Listen, if you think it's easy coming up for answers for endless series of questions like, "Daddy, why is it called the 'sky'?"you must be a philosophy major. With no kids.).

And recent loss is draining as well.

This month I lost a friendship. I'm still scratching my head, still puzzled, as to why someone I thought a great friend would just shut me out and refuse to be in my life anymore. I know I offended him, but even so, no chance to say I'm sorry? No opportunity to discuss it? But, friends are fickle. Still, I miss my friend.

But the hardest one of all is the looming loss of my old friend, Ranger, my 15 year-old dog. She has been failing rapidly over the summer, and we have come to the conclusion to end her life next Saturday. Yesterday I bought the shovel we will use to dig her grave and the stones to place over it. I fought back tears yesterday morning watching Eli get down on the floor, wrap his little arms around her, kiss her and tell her goodbye. I wonder if he will remember her? I know I will never forget that moment. I would have cried all the way to the airport over saying goodbye to Eli and also over the coming loss of Ranger had not the LTR spazzed out over traffic on the way. So, fortunately, I was able to be irritated instead of weepy.

An extrovert would welcome company and the chance to talk it out if confronted with some of these issues. An introvert would more likely deal with it on his own.

So, today, at the last minute I canceled an evening of plans with a friend. Unfortunately it's a friend not easy to make a rain date with, but I hit my wall this afternoon and knew I needed the night to myself. Selfish, yes. But I guess I gave in to my inner three year old. "I want it NOW!" is something Eli said often, and he wouldn't be satisfied with "later." Three-year-olds don't understand later, they live in the now. The downside of that is the tantrum that comes when they don't get what they want "now." But the upside is they put their entire being into the now. If you want to know what I mean, listen to a child laugh. That child's laugh takes over his entire existence and there is nothing else in his universe when it is happening.

So I needed -- wanted -- my "Introvert" time tonight. I know my friend is not happy, and I regret letting him down. I hope he will understand. For days now I have been pushing back tears. When I opened Eli's lunchbox, and saw the empty packages of fruit snacks. When I saw him give Ranger that last hug goodbye. When I stripped the sheets of his bed this morning. When I heard "If I Loved You" last night at the concert. While I'm writing this paragraph.

I'm sorry, my friend, for canceling on you. I just needed to be alone tonight. I will be strong tomorrow.