I Taught My 5 Year Old that Abe Lincoln Was an Axe Murderer

I'm a geek but not a very imaginative one.

My favorite historical figure is Abraham Lincoln. He's one of the most written-about figures in the English language (I once read second only to Jesus Christ) so I'm hardly alone in my interest in him. But it's not very original.

I blame my maternal grandparents. They were some kind of Lincoln nuts. I first heard about him from them. I can remember my grandfather saying Lincoln was president for only "half of the United States." To which I said, "which half is President Nixon President of?"

Of course, when my grandparents were little, they too were hearing stories about Abe Lincoln. Except they were hearing it from people old enough to have been alive when Lincoln was. Think about that -- it's 2010, and I can say I talked to people who knew other people who lived through the Civil War. See? Geek excitement!

But I digress. So I'm a Lincoln nut too. I've read every bio of him I could. Two cartoons about him from newspapers from his time hang in one of the rooms of my house that contains other Lincoln Administration era artifacts.

So imagine my surprise and interest when I heard about a novel called "Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter." It's written by the same guy who wrote "Pride and Prejudice and Zombies."
And I saw it at the airport bookstore in Seattle when I was there fetching my son to bring him back here and of course I picked it up.

So there I am, on the plane, next to Eli, devouring the contents of this book (it is a good book) when out of the corner of my eye I saw him staring. At the cover of the book. Which has a photo. Of President Lincoln, in his long frock coat. As you would expect. Except bloodstained. All over. In one hand the rail splitter held a blood stained axe -- in the other, the decapitated head of a vampire.

"Who's that?" my son asked of my hero.

Oh shit.

One of the hardest parts of being a sometimes parent is the transition from an all adult world to one intended only for general audiences.

Um, that's Abraham Lincoln.

"Is he a bad man? What's that?" he said, pointing to the decapitated vampire head. Oh dear.

I know kids are supposed to be able to distinguish between fantasy and reality. But what do you do with something that purposefully blends reality with fantasy?

I remember seeing the classic Star Trek episode where Kirk and company end up on a planet with historical good guys and bad guys, including Mr. Lincoln. During the episode a Klingon (maybe a Romulan) kills Lincoln with a spear. "oh that's how he died," I remember thinking. It took me a while to sort that out with the whole theater thing.

I took off the Lincoln the Vampire Hunter book cover and wouldn't let Eli see it. He now needs a reintroduction to Mr. Lincoln -- I think I will take him to the Lincoln Memorial sometime during this trip.

And pray he doesn't ask where they keep the vampire heads.

Here's a wicked cool video promoting the book, Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter.

Remember, it's fiction.