Prop 8, McCain and My Straight Friends

I'm trying to work something out. I can't quite put my finger on it.

The other day a straight colleague who is a staunch McCain supporter said to me, "I'm sorry about your father-in-law."

Father. in. law.

Although I think of the LTR's dad in those terms I was kind of startled to hear him acknowledged as such by someone who supports the political party that would use the highest law in the land to ensure that he would never get that designation. That even now the candidate he supports is in favor of Prop 8 in California which would take the right for gay people to have father-in-laws away.

It brought to mind all the straight friends and co-workers who individually have no problem with my relationship and have said to me that it's "silly" we can't marry, but who then give money to and vote for the party and its candidates who support constitutional amendments that would prevent this from ever happening.

I understand that its not a pressing issue to them. They have the right to marry, after all.

But if the shoe were on the other foot...if I were supporting candidates who wanted to take the right to marry away from them, would they be civil to me? Would my support for such a candidate be a matter of passing lightheartedness the way I currently deal with my Republican friends and co-workers?

Doubtful. After all, Romeo and Juliet died for their love; the Greeks went to war with Troy so Theseus could marry Helen. Love and marriage would seem to be a deadly serious business.

So, I appreciate the fact you recognize my relationship with my life partner's father as equivalent to that of a "father-in-law."

And the fact that you vote contrary to that sentiment I'll try not to take personally and ignore it -- even though I doubt the opposite would be true.

Focus on the Family and Gay Relationships

James Dobson's Focus on the family likes to call it a myth that

Homosexual relationships are no different than heterosexual ones.

(That's Myth Number Three, for those counting).

Not so fast, Lou! A study by the University of Illinois (my Alma Mater) shows that:

same-sex relationships were similar to those of opposite-sex couples in many ways. All had positive views of their relationships but those in the more committed relationships (gay and straight) resolved conflict better than the heterosexual dating couples. And lesbian couples worked together especially harmoniously during the laboratory tasks.

The notion that committed same-sex relationships are “atypical, psychologically immature, or malevolent contexts of development was not supported by our findings,” said lead author Glenn I. Roisman, PhD. “Compared with married individuals, committed gay males and lesbians were not less satisfied with their relationships.”

Hmm, well, James and I may actually be disappointed in that result, but for different reasons. Given the high degree of divorce in straight America, I'd hope that gay couples would be happier than their straight counterparts. But, I'll take "just as satisfied" for now.

Oh, and if my partner and I are ever in one of these tests, I'm sticking close to the lesbian couples during the lab tasks, to improve my score.

Read more about the study here.

The LTR and Me

This is the LTR and me. I've posted this picture here before, but it's my blog and if I choose to be narcissistic get over it (the very nature of blogging is narcissistic, I think. We bloggers post items about our opinions or lives thinking they have merit when mostly it's just noise. But I digress).

Anyway, this year we will have been together two decades. 20 years. And we actually still talk to each other. Someone close to me is losing the man she loves because he's leaving her and watching her heartache makes me realize all the more how lucky I am.

People sometimes ask "what's the secret?" I don't think there is one. I do think that love is not enough...that sometimes it comes down to making a choice to be together. And managing expectations is part of that. We've learned that although our relationship fulfills each other's basic needs it can't fill every single one. That knowledge takes a certain amount of pressure off the relationship. And, after 20 years, we repeatedly learn that communication is key and that good communication even between people who know each other intimately doesn't just happen. You have to make it happen.

Our relationship is not a perfect one. But it's a damn good one. Love you, honey.