What NOT to Say to Your Personal Trainer

"Gee, could you make this any harder?"

A Workout We Can Believe In

Obama skips church and goes to the gym.

See? He really wasn't in the pew during the "God damn America sermon." He was on the StairMaster.

Does it bother anyone else that he has to be defensive about not going to church? The most connected to God I ever felt was alone, high in the Peruvian Andes. No church, no preacher, no steeple. Just God. And me. And great cardio. Perhaps StairMaster is the true stairway to Heaven.

And I like songwriter Jay Brannan's take:

Why don't the Gideon's put condoms in the drawers?
Bibles don't save many people anymore.

Obama Worked Out at My Gym

On Friday.

Hell, he's a member.

But the staff didn't recognize him: "What's your first name, Mr. Obama?"

He's only been on the cover of every weekly magazine in the US three times. Reminds me of an Obama rally I was at in Henderson, Nevada. A woman driving by asks pulls over and asks me, "who's here?"

"Barack Obama," I reply.

"Who's that?" she says. She didn't look like she'd been living under a rock for the past four years. "Just some schmuck running for president," I said.

And he works out at my gym. I think I just got the incentive to work out more often that I needed.

Meet the People at My Gym

Some of the people at my gym (a sports club chain) are interesting characters. Here are a few of them, given nicknames to protect the culpable.

The Draper: I hate this guy. He drapes himself across the equipment in long intervals between sets. He's usually reading a magazine or a memo. A few times I've almost checked his pulse to make sure but then he slowly turns a page before sagging back on what he must view as his own personal barca lounger with weights.

Coach Hissy Fit: This is a personal trainer who seems to delight in making his clients look ridiculous. His trade mark is to make his victims inhale and exhale with a hissing sound that emulates a boiling teapot and reverberates around the weight room. He's also loud and fussy, hence the nickname. He tends to also fixated on the LTR and makes it a point to provide gratuitous criticisms of the LTR which annoys the LTR. He does seem to be really involved in his training sessions, though, unlike many of the personal trainers at the club, who should probably be called impersonal trainers.

The Exhibitionist: He's around my age, of mixed ethnicity, Asian and Caucasian. He likes to parade around the locker room without a towel and will stand at the sink to blow dry his hair and pubic hair. He's toned, good shape, average, cut (hey, he walks around naked all the time so I've had ample opportunity to get the 411). He tends to hang out in the dry sauna a bit.

Shy Boy: In contrast to the Exhibitionist, Shy Boy won't be caught with his pants down -- literally. He wraps a towel around his waist to remove or replace his underwear (boxers). I've never understood this -- I suppose he's trying to be discrete but it only calls attention to himself. What's he afraid of? What's he hiding?

Mr. Popularity: This guy knows everyone in the gym by name and usually has the dirt on them (he certainly has it on Coach Hissy Fit). He's a competitive weight lifter and he's fun to work out with but the constant distractions of people engaging him in conversation can be frustrating to someone who likes to move quickly and efficiently though their workout. I know this, because Mr. Popularity is the LTR.

And there there is Sack Man, a former prominent Republican Party official who likes to hang out in the wet sauna with one leg propped up under him exposing two low hangers.

And finally, the Monk, an older gentleman with a Friar Tuck like hair style. Unfortunately he's decided to dye his hair instead of letting it go a dignified gray (ahem!) -- it's a faux red that, with his ruddy complexion and skin problems doesn't enhance his looks. All the time he spends working the sauna doesn't help.