Christmas Trees and Global Warming

Want to fight global warming by saving a real Christmas tree by going fake this year?

Think again. Our desire to celebrate the birth of Christ by going all pagan at by killing a pine tree and propping it up in our living rooms to watch them drop needles on our floors is helping to save the planet.

Christmas trees aren't wild. They are grown as a crop, with an estimated 446 million growing in the US today. For every tree cut, one to three are planted. A single tree on average absorbs 48 pounds of CO2 (greenhouse gas) a year. That's 21,408,000,000 pounds of global warming getting soaked up a year. That makes up for the CO2 emitted by 1,070,400,000 families and their cars per year. And if we weren't buying these trees, who would plant them?

Yes, yes, we use more electricity to light these trees...but if you're using a fake tree you're using the same extra electricity without the benefit of funding the CO2-absorbing tree farms. And don't those fake trees come in a cardboard box?

The other thing to know about fake trees is that 85 percent of them are made in China...a nation not known for its eco-friendly manufacturing practices. The real trees I'm talking about are grown right here in Sarah Palin's America, gosh darnnit.

So go head. Kill a tree and put it in your house. The planet will thank you.

Your Dildo May be Causing Global Warming

Well, if not global warming it may not be "green" and may in fact be hazardous to your health. The problem is that most are made from PVC-like plastic which environmentalists don't like because of the toxins released during their manufacture or disposal. To make this plastic, um, soft and fleshlike, they add a chemical called phthalates. According to Grist:

In recent years, testing has revealed the potentially serious health impacts of phthalates. Studies on rats and mice

Okay stop right there. I'm picturing a scene in the lab: "Uh, professor? I can't get the little mouse dildo in, the little bugger won't hold still!" I wonder if they made a "lifelike" reproduction from Mickey?

Anyway, the research shows that this chemical can cause cancer and reproductive problems. The phthalates will leach out of the product when exposed to, well, heat and friction, not to mention lipids (i.e., fat). Those of you who scrub your dildos in hot water in bleach may be turning your favorite sex toy into a cancer stick.

What can the horny-but-enviro-and-health conscious-enthusiast do?

Again, according to Grist:

The most ecologically correct choices may be metal or hardened glass dildos -- which, with their elegant, streamlined shapes (and sometimes hefty price tags) can double as modernist sculptures.

"No, mom, that's just a decoration. Please put it back on the bookshelf..."

You can also get a product called the "Solar Vibe," a vibrator wired to a small solar panel. "Excuse me, you're blocking the sun, and I was getting close."

The Solar Vibe would be a great stocking stuffer (wink, wink) for the green members of your family.

I thought briefly that maybe the best option is the real thing...but they come attached to people who must be warmed, cooled, clothed and fed and damn if that doesn't lead to carbon emissions!

For more on greening up your sex life, read this article from Grist.