The basic premise is constantly framing choices for your child to make that are safe and gives him control over his life as much as possible. You maintain control of your child through enforceable statements (i.e., don't say, repeatedly, "eat your dinner"...say "dinner is over when the big hand is here" and take uneaten food away at the stated time). It's an approach that teaches parents to express mild sadness over misbehavior rather than anger. The book reads like something from "Up with People" until you get to this paragraph about the consequences of screwing it up and raising children with no empathy or social conscious:
In extreme cases, these are the children who go to school and shoot their classmates.
Good. God.
So, I'm trying to take their advice. One tactic they suggest for dealing with tantrums is to keep on truckin'" -- i.e., walk away. If it happens in the grocery store, they say, walk away to where the kid can't see you so they will realize you aren't sticking around for the fireworks (but peek around the corner until the kid comes to find you).
So yesterday, we were in the grocery store and Eli knocked some cans off the shelf. No big deal, it was an accident. I asked him to pick them up. He then proceeded to make a game of it, putting the cans back then knocking them back off again. I told him to stop. "No, daddy!" I told him to stop and we needed to keep moving. "No daddy! Bad daddy!" So, I said, "bye!" and walked away, turned the corner and waited.
What did I hear? The continued crashing of cans to the floor. Minutes passed. Other customers were eying me and thinking "why is that terrible father letting his kid go out of control?" I expected the manager at any minute to show up with social services and haul us both away. "But it's in the book!" I wanted to shout.
Finally, I couldn't take it any more and walked back around, scooped Eli up in my arms and replaced the cans. He off course responded by screaming "Bad Daddy!" while kicking me.
I think I just wiped out his future eighth grade class.
1 comment:
Believe it or not, your last-ditch effort was also a Love and Logic technique--empathic look, an "oh, that's too bad, Eli's not ready to go grocery shopping with daddy", scoop him up, and out of the store he goes. It disrupts your whole day (I'm guessing the Fays had someone do their shopping for them), but it teaches the lesson of consequences for actions.
Or something like that.
I've never actually tried it. It's just what they say in the book.
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