Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Meanwhile, at DC Mayor Fenty's Office

DC Chief of Police Cathy Lanier is getting her review from Hizzoner:

Fenty (holstering his second Blackberry): So, Chief, how do you think you've done?

Lanier: Well, we're really cleaning up the city, sir. Our second sting operation to ticket cyclists was a complete success.

Fenty: What were you ticketing them for?

Lanier: Going the wrong way down a little used street. I felt it was a great way to show how we're cracking down on cyclists in the wake of the garbage truck running over a biker in Dupont Circle. We really needed to send the cycling community a message, and we've done that.

Fenty: Good work, kiddo! Speaking of that tragic accident, have you concluded your investigation? Made any charges?

Lanier: Um, no.

Fenty: Well, that's okay. Sometimes these things can be tough. Can only do what you can do, right?

Lanier: You got that right, sir. I mean, look at the Wone case. We haven't been able to solve that murder in years. Oh, I suppose I could put more resources on it, but I get faster results by waving down cyclists and issuing $25 tickets.

Fenty: True. And I suppose it's better to target cyclists rather than motorists.

Lanier: Except when they're driving into certain neighborhoods, like Trinidad. Then we need to stop them and interrogate them about their business and decide if they have a legitimate reason to be there. Moving about the capital of the free world is a privilege, not a right!

Fenty: Yes, I suppose so, though maybe you could have some of your officers get out of their cars and patrol the neighborhoods, get to know the people and do some tough police work?

Lanier: Sir! It's summer, and have you seen how out of shape our force is? It would be a health risk to send some of these officers out of their air conditioned patrol cars into the DC summer heat. What if they had a heat stroke and had to rely on city emergency services? I shudder to think!

Fenty: True. Hey, I when I was riding one of our new Smartbikes across town I noticed a Fed Ex truck on 14th Street parked in the bike lane -- even though there was a clearly marked vacant loading and unloading zone right there at the curb. Are you ticketing those guys?

Lanier: Well, sir, in this tight fiscal time I can only do so much....better use of my resources to have an officer stand at a corner and just let the moving violations come to him. That's why the bike sting worked so well. Besides, the bikers can just go around those trucks, and cabs and Metrobuses who block the bike lanes. As long as they look carefully behind them, they're probably not in any danger from having to swerve into traffic.

Fenty: Well, I've got to say Cathy, heckuva job. Heckuva job.

2 comments:

Gilahi said...

OK, let me be sure... You have some sort of agenda here, right? :-)

Scott said...

Moi???